political convention

political convention

Monday, May 29, 2017

Papal Exorcism Fails; 

Victim Seeks Help from Genie

Genie enters brain of man with presidential delusions 

From our religion correspondent

The Vatican:  The attempt by Pope Francis to exorcise a demon from the body of an American man has failed, according to a church spokesperson. The subject of the exorcism was identified only as a wealthy American with possible business ties to the Vatican. The procedure targeted a demon that inhabited the man’s body and led him to believe he was president of the United States.  The Vatican gave no explanation for why the Pope’s efforts failed.The American man was last seen stumbling across St. Peter’s Square and boarding a large limousine with tiny American flags on the front fenders. Later, the man’s wife and daughter told reporters he was taken to a villa on the outskirts of Rome where he was seeking help from a Middle Eastern genie. The genie is known to use a crystal ball to enter a client's brain to examine the contents. No findings have been reported so far. 

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Pope Exorcises American Billionaire

From our religion correspondent

The Vatican: Church officials have disclosed that Pope Francis has taken the extraordinary step of performing an exorcism on a wealthy American. The man, who has not been publicly identified, was brought to Rome by his wife and daughter. They told Vatican investigators he was delusional and believed members of his family were devil worshipers. He also spoke an unintelligible language and turned bright red during lengthy rants.       

Pope Francis with exorcism subject and family 

It is not clear why the Vatican agreed to the extremely rare papal exorcism. The last one is believed to have been carried out by Pope Innocent VI in 1359.  Speculation is that the American is a billionaire who has secretly worked with Vatican representatives in the United States to transform abandoned churches into hotel-casinos and defunct Catholic cemeteries into golf courses. 

Sources report that the exorcism was conducted in a hidden chamber used for treating wayward priests. The specific rituals employed by the Pope have not been disclosed. A church historian said that it could well involve the administration of strong emetics, the use of hypnosis, or even flagellation.

A witness to the procedure, who wished to remain anonymous, said the main target of the exorcism was a demon that controlled the man by deluding him into thinking he was president of the United States. Whether the exorcism was successful has not been revealed.  


Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Holy Crap!

From our religion correspondent.

Fatima, Portugal: Perhaps like me you followed with interest the Pope's visit to Portugal where he conferred sainthood on shepherd children who saw an apparition of the Virgin Mary on six occasions in 1917. Three kids witnessed the miracle and the Virgin revealed three secrets that foretold the horrors of the Twentieth Century. However, when it came time for the Pope to name the saints only siblings Francisco, 9, and Jacinta, 8, won the prize. Their cousin Lucia, 10, was left out.  What the hell? I felt bad for poor little Lucia and searched the web for an explanation.Then, like a vision, it struck me that Lucia, as the oldest child, was the one who made the whole story up, the little brat. I now know that Lucia died in 2005 at the age of 98, and hasn't been dead long enough to become a saint. The two sainted ones, on the other hand, died in 1919 during the flu pandemic in that year.  It seems to me that either Our Lady of Fatima has a diabolical sense of humor or a clever little girl went on to show that sainthood isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.