political convention

political convention
Twitter: @PhilipKipper

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Lorne Michaels
30 Rockefeller Plaza,
New York, NY

Dear Lorne:

Here’s a treatment of the new sitcom we discussed.  We know this kind of production isn’t your thing, but we thought you might pass it on to the right person in the biz.

Sincerely,
LSN

The Donald Dumpling Show

Donald Dumpling, President of the United States.  Egomaniacal billionaire and host of a network quiz program where he verbally abuses losing players then kicks them off the show. Donald’s boorish behavior attracts the interest of presidential candidate Fred Frisk,a stone-like Midwest Republican. He thinks Donald would be a great running mate with his name recognition and appeal to low-brow voters who like seeing other people humiliated on television. The ticket’s a winner. But unfortunately, soon after the inauguration President Frisk drowns in the White House pool. Donald takes over and fires the cabinet and staff and hires a group of cronies, failed politicos and fringe media personalities. None of these people has experience governing, let alone knowledge of foreign affairs or the workings of the legislative and judicial branches.  But to Donald that’s just fine. Naturally, infighting and chaos ensue followed by one domestic or international crisis after another. 

Other major characters:

Doneta Dumpling, First Lady and third wife.  A former fashion model, she's tall and graceful and always dresses in the latest style. She has no particular role at the White House and rarely speaks. She simply passes slowly through the rooms with the practiced step of a supermodel showing clothes to exclusive clients. This can be disconcerting when she glides by during cabinet meetings or when foreign leaders are visiting. 

Della Dumpling and Rheinholdt Putzler.  Della and her husband own a marginally profitable chain of shoe stores. They believe this empowers them to meddle in economic policy. And with a name like Rheinholdt, who could know more about foreign affairs? The two frequently slip into the Oval Office to give advice to the president, which he invariably accepts. Della is the daughter of Donald’s first wife, who Donald dumped when she suggested he might consider going on a diet.

Tanya Dumpling, The daughter of Donald’s second wife, she is the most sane person in the White House. A junior at Stanford majoring in Political Science, Tanya regularly eludes her Secret Service guards to pal around with her liberal friends and has joined political demonstrations against her father. Tanya frequently has political conversations with dad in which he comes across as his usual ignorant and blustery self. She also connives to bedevil members of the White House staff, especially Billiebetty Candle, Dez Unger and Lonnie Peeper (see below). Her aim is to save her father from himself, which, never works as planned. Tanya is the time bomb lurking in the White House basement. 

Billiebetty Candle, Presidential special adviser and spokesperson. Her main function is to appear on television to creatively interpret the meaning of the president’s public statements. Her forte is countering criticism of the president by unleashing a welter of hysterical verbiage that vaguely resembles factual truth. Her stringy blond hair and pancake makeup give her a shopworn appearance irresistible to presidential adviser Dez Unger. 

Dez Unger, Chief presidential adviser. He previously ran an extreme right wing website where all news was made up by college students whose greatest ambition was to murder their liberal professors. Most of these kids were abandoned at birth by rich parents who were too busy at the club to notice them. Dez is known for his tacky wardrobe and icky personal habits. Some people claim they can smell his body odor through their television screens. Because he is smarter and has only one guiding idea—kill anyone who opposes you—he is able to hold Donald in thrall. Donald rarely says or does anything without Dez’s approval. That suits Dez just fine. He’s always wanted to be president.

Lonnie Peeper, Chief of staff. He’s a busy little man who resembles Peewee Herman. Lonnie tries desperately to compete with Dez for the president’s ear. But he usually ends up with tasks like supervising the White House domestic staff as they prep for state dinners or making sure Marine 1 pilots get their favorite sandwiches and white wine before flying the president to Andrews.

Bart Splint, Former army general and now the President’s national security adviser. Donald and Bart get along well because they both are deeply insecure.  Gen. Splint sees almost every country in the world as a potential threat and therefore is always on the alert for warning signs of danger. The fact that 45-year-old Justin Trudeau, the Canadian prime minister, is smart, good looking and has a legitimate political pedigree scares the shit out of him. Gen. Splint was quietly retired by the army after his superiors in the Pentagon noticed he spent more time with fashion consultants designing  personal uniforms than doing work as a strategic analyst. In his White House job Splint can’t wear his uniform, but every morning before he goes to work he pulls it out of the closet to admire the medals arranged down the front of the jacket.

Les Keen. White House press secretary. A bumbling nitwit, who creates confusion with every pronouncement. But that often works out well because it keeps the White House press corps occupied so the president can focus on important matters like practicing how to use the nuclear button. 

Ronny and Donny Dumpling, Donald’s sons from his first marriage. Both are in their thirties but most often behave like teenagers. The pair love their annual safaris to Africa where they shoot big game animals released 10 yards from their protective bunker. Donny and Ronny visit dad daily to report on the family businesses. Ronny is CEO and Donny is CFO.They know nothing about management but the titles give the president cover from unpaid contractors.

Two old Senators, aka the cowardly lions of the Senate.  As blueblood Republicans, they hope the president will succeed but know he’s completely nuts.  Their role is to serve as the chorus, commenting on Donald’s actions and behavior by putting the best face on it even though that requires excruciating mental gymnastics. They are never invited to the White House and are only seen standing forlornly at the rear of the Senate chambers sharing their shaky thoughts about politics and the news. Almost no one pays attention to them, least of all President Donald Dumpling.

Tweak Jones, the president’s personal IT technician, works late at night in the White House family quarters where he looks after the president’s personal computer and helps with difficult tweets. The president usually tops out at about two-thousand characters.  Without Tweak’s tweaks, nobody in the country would know what the president is really thinking. Tweak also knows about other goings-on late at night in the White House.

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