political convention

political convention

Thursday, December 24, 2015

The Art of the Squeal

GOFFSTOWN, N.H. — As the third Democratic debate faded to a five-minute commercial break, Hillary Clinton had exactly one minute and 45 seconds to walk out of the gymnasium at St. Anselm College to the ladies’ restroom and one minute and 45 seconds to return to her place on stage.

Clinton arrived back to the debate stage about 20 seconds after the broadcast resumed, leading to speculation about the reason she took so long in the bathroom.

Latest Headlines:

Donald Trump makes disgusting mess in toilet when turbulence hits his private Jet

Presidential candidate Donald Trump went missing for 20 minutes from the cabin of his private airliner last night as it flew over Iowa on the way to South Carolina. During his disappearance the plane hit extreme turbulence and dropped 5,000 feet in just a few seconds. 

Crew members discovered an exhausted and pale Trump in his private bathroom in the rear of the plane. When questioned later, crew members, who would not give their names, said the scene in the bathroom was unbelievable.  "It was disgusting," said one flight attendant. "Far worse than Hilary Clinton. Up to the ankles." 

When questioned by reporters later, Trump said that reports he had soiled himself were "just plain lies" concocted by the Clinton campaign.  "Can't a guy just take a leak without you creeps making a headline out of it?" 

The Clinton campaign had no comment on the controversy, which is becoming known in the media as "potty gate" or "Trump's Dump."

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Foreign Affairs and the Latest Hate (Obama) Mail

First it was the speech to a joint session of Congress by Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu. He delighted his Republican hosts by mocking President Obama's efforts to reach an accord with Iran on nuclear weapons. Following was a letter signed by 47 Republican senators telling the president of Iran that the negotiations with the Obama administration would go nowhere unless Senate Republicans approved. Republicans were clearly out to subvert President Obama's constitutional role as America's foreign policy leader. What's next in this unprecedented campaign to undermine the authority and credibility of the President of the United States? There's new mail.

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi,
ISIS headquarters, Syria

Dear Grand Caliph,

You no doubt have heard of the president’s request to the U.S. Senate to ratify military action against your organization. So far we’ve prevented approval of his proposal. This may please you because it makes our so-called commander and chief look weak. And to tell you the truth that’s really what we’re up to. It would help out a lot if you’d stop beheading people for a while.  A little less pressure from your side will give us time to work out all of the constitutional angles so we can nail our next ex-president for exceeding his powers.

Yours Truly,
Senate Republicans

Kim Jong Un, 
Marshall of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea,

Dear Glorious Leader,

As you know, the United States has helped North Korea from time to time with shipments of specialty food items like rice and wheat. Delivery of the food was made possible because of a vague agreement aimed at getting you to stop shooting off atomic bombs. But, if you don’t mind, we’d like to let you know that any agreement between you and the United States must be approved by us as members of the Senate.Thus, future food shipments are in doubt because we haven’t given the thumbs up to this unconstitutional arrangement. But please, don’t worry about how all this affects the development of your nuclear weapons. We’re just happy the agreement has failed and what’s-his-name has lost another round.

With warm regards,
Senate Republicans

President Nicolas Maduro, 
Caracas, Venezuela

Dear SeƱor Presidente,

Please don’t be swayed by the recent jingoistic advertising that boasts that the U.S. may now be the world’s top energy producer. We still need that economy-priced Venezuelan crude–or at least some of our big petroleum refiners would like it. That’s why we want you to know that when our next ex-president criticizes your human rights record and spies on your government, he does it without our approval. His actions run counter to our Constitution, especially the parts that make it okay for members of Congress to receive large monetary contributions from oil companies that deal in cheap petroleum shipped from abroad.  So take it easy amigo and we’ll handle this guy. 

Yours truly,
Senate Republicans

President Vladimir Putin,
The Kremlin, Moscow, USSR

Dear Vlad, (as old friends, I hope we can call you that):

Our so-called commander and chief continues to make a hash of relations with your country. Most of us Republicans in the Senate (you remember John and his pal Lindsey) think we should threaten military support for Ukraine and impose stronger economic sanctions on your country. You may take offense at these suggestions. But not to worry. Our next ex-president is being skittish because he doesn’t want to start a major war. But there’s a constitutional principle we want to exercise at all costs. By goading what’s-his-name into talking tough to you, he’ll eventually have to come crawling to us for advice and consent.That’s in the Constitution, isn’t it? We’ll make our point about who has the final say on foreign policy and the so-called commander and chief can slink off to join his pals Angela and Francois to try to talk you into being nice. Once again we’ll have shown him up for the weakling he is.   

All the best,
Senate Republicans

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Archbishop Warns of the Hidden Agenda of Evil

San Francisco Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone has issued a long list of sexual and reproductive taboos that will be imposed on teachers and staff at four local Catholic high schools. Among practices he defined as “gravely evil” were sex outside marriage, same-sex marriage and any form of “artificial reproductive technology.” Employees who don't comply may be fired. According to the San Francisco Chronicle, Cordileone says he took this action because “of the tremendous pressure contemporary culture places on everyone to conform to a certain agenda.”  He didn’t say what that agenda was, who was enforcing it or if those who didn’t comply would lose their jobs, which is the case under his plan.  Of course, Cordileone belongs to an organization where grown men are prohibited from having sex.  Widespread violation of this commandment, especially with little boys and girls, as well as the gravely evil effort to cover it up, has been a disaster for the Church. That suggests one reason the Archbishop has now activated a perverse diversionary tactic. It is to demonize the normal and widely accepted sexual and reproductive choices of ordinary people.