Rick Santorum says sinful Americans have forgotten the real reason for sex, so banning contraceptives will focus their attention more on procreation and less on promiscuity. He believes c
hildren suffer from a public education system run like a factory; home schooling for everyone is the answer, even for children who are homeless. Poor people rely too much on federal handouts; ignoring them will stiffen their resolve to get jobs. As you can see, Rick Santorum can fix our problems by awakening the soul of America.
Santorum’s followers will tell you that he is more passionate than Romney, more Catholic than Gingrich, and more Christian than just about everyone else, including you-know-who. As a matter of fact, Rick Santorum aspires to sainthood. And who can doubt he will make it? The U.S. bishops, two of whom have now ascended to the rank of cardinal, practically endorsed him with their recent condemnation of birth control. No other politician, as least in the last half century, has spoken out so firmly on the subject. That’s courageous because most benighted Americans still think sex is at least as fun as playing video games and rarely see it as a legal strategy to grant state-sanctioned personhood.
If Santorum is to succeed, however, he needs to be cautious about a few things. He may lose points when conservatives discover that his parents weren't blue collar factory workers, as the candidate has insinuated. His father was a psychologist and his mother a nurse and they worked for the federal government. Also, given his stance on government and education, he might want to downplay the fact that he attended a public high school and graduated from a state university. Finally, he should reconsider the teary-eyed story of his grandfather, who worked in the coal mines until the age of 72, after which he died. Most people still believe that Social Security, which Santorum has derided, was invented so old people could have a few days of leisure before passing on.
There are also a few things Santorum could do to strengthen his platform.
1. Advocate the elimination of credit cards. They lead to overindulgence and profligacy and the bishops frown on that.
2. Discourage the tendency of Americans to eat more and more of their meals in restaurants. Eating out diminishes the traditional role of women in the household and gluttony is a sin.
3. Support repeal of the 21st Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. Its infamous passage in the early years of the Roosevelt Administration ended prohibition, returning America to its current intemperate condition.
With these modest steps, Santorum will continue on to victory and become the Republican nominee. Imagine what happens next.